Children & Grief
Helping Children with Grief
Children should not be shielded from death, as even very young children can recognize it and will have questions. To help them process, talk to them simply and honestly in an age-appropriate manner. Start by asking what they already understand so you can tailor your explanation, using clear and direct facts (e.g., "Grandma’s heart stopped working, so she died").
It is crucial to avoid soothing euphemisms like "went to sleep" or "went to be with the angels," as children take these literally and may develop fears like being afraid to sleep. Allow the child to ask questions at their own pace—whether simple or abstract—and answer them truthfully without pressuring them to talk if they aren't ready.
How do you explain the death of a loved one to a child?
Talking to a child about the death of a loved one is never easy, but honest, age-appropriate conversations can help them begin to understand and process their grief. Children are naturally curious and may ask questions about what happened, where the person is now, or whether they will see them again. It’s important to speak gently and clearly, using simple words without confusing metaphors like “gone to sleep” or “lost,” which may cause fear or misunderstanding.
Let the child know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry, and that all their emotions are normal. Encourage them to ask questions and express how they’re feeling, and let them know they are not alone in their grief. Reassure them that they are safe, loved, and supported.
Talking to a child about the death of a loved one is never easy, but honest, age-appropriate conversations can help them begin to understand and process their grief. Children are naturally curious and may ask questions about what happened, where the person is now, or whether they will see them again. It’s important to speak gently and clearly, using simple words without confusing metaphors like “gone to sleep” or “lost,” which may cause fear or misunderstanding.
Let the child know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry, and that all their emotions are normal. Encourage them to ask questions and express how they’re feeling, and let them know they are not alone in their grief. Reassure them that they are safe, loved, and supported.
Ages 2 to 7
Up to 7 years of age, children see death mainly as a separation event. This may cause them to feel abandoned and scared. They may fear being alone and may not want to sleep alone at night or go to school.
Because children this young are usually not skilled at verbally expressing their feelings, they may “act out” instead, through behaviors such as temper tantrums, refusing to obey adults, or creating an imaginary life, accompanied by role-playing. Other behaviors, usually manifested by children between the ages of 2 and 5, may include eating, sleeping, toileting, or bed-wetting problems. Very young children under the age of 2 may suddenly refuse to talk and become more irritable in general.
Ages 7 to 12
Children in this age group have begun to understand death as a permanent event. They may regard death as a more personal threat to their individual safety, develop a fear of dying themselves, or resort to “preventive” behaviors to “protect” themselves from death, such as aligning themselves with someone they think can protect them, or focusing on being “brave” or being “good”. Others may simply withdraw socially and/or emotionally from others.
Symptoms may include problems concentrating on schoolwork, trouble following directions, and difficulty performing daily tasks.
Teens
While teenagers understand and perceive death in the same way as adults, they may express their grief differently. They may react in more dramatic ways or adopt reckless behaviors in an attempt to “defy” death. Reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, taking illegal drugs, or having unprotected sex may all be forms of “acting out” their anxieties and feelings of grief.
Thoughts of suicide may sometimes be present in a teen who is having trouble processing his or her loss. Warning signs of suicide in children and teens may include a preoccupation with death, having thoughts or openly talking about suicide, or giving away belongings.
Parents of teens who have lost a loved one should be aware of any changes in their child’s behavior and should seek professional counseling immediately for the child if they feel their child may be in danger.
